Good Morning
Parenting can be challenging at any time of the day but transition times are usually the most difficult. It is not uncommon for family life to 'turn to custard' before breakfast and for everyone to leave the house already traumatised and exhausted.
However, it is true that 'every day is a new day' in parenting so here are some tips for having a good morning.
When we sleep our sensory-motor systems and our brain-body connections are shut down. As we wake these systems need to be switched back on and reintegrated. It sounds really obvious but we often do (or don't do!) things in the morning that negatively affect the child's process of waking and embracing the day.
The fast, physical children (the parents' alarm clock!) need to be guided into meaningful, harmonious behaviour and the slow, dreamy children need to be enticed to awaken and connect. All children benefit from a rhythm that breathes. Try to balance ‘breathing in’ activities of focus and effort, with ‘breathing out’ activities of creative, free play and spontaneous free movement.
Children in particular awake as a 'Little Self', i.e. they are primarily 'drive + desire', very self- focused and all wrapped up unconsciously in the cloak of their temperaments and experiences to date. We adults have a choice: we can draw the children gently towards their most capable 'Big Selves' (able to exercise increasing levels of self-control and awareness of others), or we can mismanage and stress them so that they are driven back into the extreme and reactive behaviour of their ‘Little Selves’.
Often the stress is created by simple things such as the parents not getting up early enough, not 'being on task', or being in a frenzy of squeezing too many tasks into a short time.
The most helpful principle for all parenting is that we are the 'ground' under our children. If our behaviour is weak, reactionary or chaotic then the children have no 'ground to stand on'.
We can think of the child as a guest whom we are welcoming to the day. What do we do if we run a Bed and Breakfast? We prepare the night before, make sure all our supplies are ready, get up before the guests and get ourselves ready first, welcome the guests with cheerfulness and warmth, (overlooking their various foibles!), anticipate their needs and support them to embark on a wonderful day as a tourist in our land !
Warmth is a key element, not just warmth of body but warmth of 'soul', i.e. the invitation to rejoin life for another day. We know the difference between coming into a cold room or a cold social atmosphere, and coming into a warm room or a warm and welcoming social atmosphere. When we infuse everything we do in the morning with a gesture of warmth, we help the children to 'come in' and connect to their bodies, to themselves and to others. In this way we are ensuring that the freshness they bring from sleep is preserved and their minds and senses are opened and ready for learning and development.
Tips:
Try to wake and get up before the children or at least with the children. It can be the hardest thing to do but without it the day can be lost before you've even got out of bed!
When you wake take a few moments to inwardly prepare yourself, reminding yourself of what needs to happen to make it a good start (bring your own reactivity or resistance under control).
Avoid the movement 'back to bed'. We want the children to move steadily away from the realm of sleep and into wakefulness. Many families have sleep-ins or cuddles in the morning (with sleepy and often irritable parents!) as well as food, books or games in the parents' bed. These are great weekend or holiday 'breathing out' activities but they actually dampen the young child's fresh morning urge to jump into the new day (an urge that wanes in later years!). If the child's awakening energy is put back into bed or put in front of a screen, the enlivened impulse is lost and instead the child becomes lethargic, resistant and uncooperative.
Get up and lead the morning with a positive mood and welcome the children lovingly into the day (open the curtains and windows, light the fire or turn on heaters, kisses and cuddles and a 'fresh slate' with regards to any issues from yesterday). Make sure you directly connect with the children rather than start the day barking orders from the doorway.
Model for your children what you would want them to do. Dress yourself first. Focus in the way you would want them to.
Parents need to be nearby while young children are carrying out their morning activities, with an 'ear out' for conflicts or drifting off task. In this way issues can be 'nipped in the bud' and redirected so that the atmosphere remains light, warm and positive. It is best to shower when the other parent is 'on the children'. If you are solo then try to shower either the night before or before the children wake. If you really have to shower when you are on your own with the children it is better to do so when all the morning tasks are done and the children are occupied with play. You may need to make a rule that they stay in different rooms while you are in the shower to avoid conflicts! Younger children can play in the bathroom under your watchful eye. Safety is always paramount. Ask yourself whether it is mentally, emotionally and physically safe for your children to be unsupervised. Are you setting them up for success or failure? Many morning breakdowns occur because the parent is not fully present and available to guide and lead the children at critical moments. The parent then returns thunderously to the scene from another part of the house when the children inevitably get into strife and the fighting begins. Often the children are blamed where it is the lack of adult attention and responsibility that is the cause.
It helps to accept that the children are our primary task, not an annoying sideline to our paid work or other agendas. The period of early childhood is vital for laying down sound integration, learning and habits that will affect every interaction in the child's future. It is the simple activities of home life that create these responses more than devices of learning at school. If every day begins with anger, chaos, disinterest or tears then the child is becoming 'hard-wired' to approach the world with tension, reactivity, anxiety or withdrawal.
Look at the content of your morning. Is there anything that can be shifted to the night before or later in the day? You may need to prune other things from your life to achieve this; just as there is a 'slow food' movement, we need a 'slow parenting' movement as well. The fewer tasks in the morning the less rushed and pressured the adults will be. The stress of parental rushing can turn many otherwise obliging children into very 'unhappy campers'. Try to prepare certain morning items the night before: clothes laid out; dishes done; lunches made.
Try to stay focused, calm and on task! Phone-calls, newspapers, radios and television all distract parents and children alike. The noise and split attention interfere with good anticipation and communication. Children are instantly aware when their parents are not mentally present and their behaviour deteriorates. In addition, when children watch screens they become immobilised and their sensory- motor systems switched off. This is the opposite of awakening their systems to the day and preparing them to meet the world.
Make some 'this before that' rules e.g. before they come out of their rooms (or away from the heater) they need to be dressed; before breakfast the cat needs to be fed; before a little playtime the teeth and hair need to be done; be very 'matter-of- fact' when reminding the children about these things, as if you were telling them 'the waves come in and the waves go out and that's the way it is'. Allow children enough time to do things in a way that is appropriate for their age. It is normal and healthy for children to weave play into everything they do, so everything they do will take longer.
If a child is unable to carry out a task alone without getting distracted or just plain refuses to do it, don't get mad! ‘Parent the behaviour not the age’: work with what the children are actually capable of managing that day rather than the expectations of what they ought to be able to do for their age. If they cannot manage it effectively alone then it is time for the adult to be alongside making it a positive, cooperative and fun experience. When the children refuse, try the '2 choice trick': Child: 'I'm not putting my shoes on!' Adult: 'which one shall I put on and which one do you want to put on?' The child's 'drive' cannot resist a choice! Working together on tasks allows the adults to model the way to do things and creates joy and bonding at the start of the day. Many parents think they do not have time to do tasks with the children, but the amount of time spent chasing, nagging and fighting with the children is far longer.
Strive to help the children stay on task until the job is done e.g. dressing, breakfast, teeth and hair. In these small, seemingly insignificant moments we are creating habits of healthy response and ‘exercising the muscles’ of initiating action, focusing well and following through.
Try to have breakfast with the children. Once again this models full participation in the activity and good eating habits. It also provides a time to connect, listen, support, and to know 'where your child is at' that morning. The parent needs to be fully present, not reading the paper, listening to the radio or texting. This meal can be the wellspring of the day, a time for light, open-ended conversation (not the adult subjects) and a sense of companionship. This is what each family member will carry into the day. By communicating clearly, slowly and generously the parents are modeling for the children how to have relationships with others.
Allow enough time for the transition of leaving the house. You can give everyone a reminder 5 or 10 minutes prior to action time. If they are not able to get ready with simple verbal direction then you need to lead them into the task and stay with them till it’s done (get yourself ready first). One warning is sufficient: children listen only to the last warning, the one where they hear that you really, really mean it! Calm insistence and humour are far more successful tools than anger, bribery and threats.
Wherever possible choose to walk or bike to school. These connect the child to the world and nature around them, awakening their curiosity and senses for school. If the car ride is essential then avoid turning the radio or music on. Try looking out the window, chatting, singing and silence (a forgotten treasure!). Older children can play games of 'spotting' particular items en route. All these suggestions awaken the children’s senses, keep them connected to reality and build relationships.
Finally, on the weekends let the focus relax and allow a ‘breathing out’. In children under 5 it is best not to alter the rhythm too dramatically as their bodily cycles are very dependent on the outer rhythm. However as children grow towards 7 and develop an inner life of understanding and reasoning, letting go of the weekday routine can create experiences of flexibility and fun.
Copyright, Mary Willow, 2008.